本节目内含激烈言辞和成人幽默 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
女士们先生们 掌声有请Simon Amstell Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Simon Amstell.
CHEERING
SONG: "The Inner Light" 5 00:00:32, 480 --> 00:00:34,480 好啊 Hello.
谢谢你们来 大家都好么 Thank you very much for coming. How are you?
AUDIENCE WHOOPS
好 Good.
你们即将看到的这个演出叫《麻木》 This show that you are about to see is called Numb. 9 00:00:45 ,560 --> 00:00:5 2,240 因为我发现自己无法停止焦虑 享受当下 This came from a very real inability to just be in a moment without anxiety
每天晚上回到家 and going home at the end of every day of my life
我都感到很寂寞 孤独 抑郁 feeling quite lonely, disconnected and depressed.
这场秀也是这样 So that's the hour.
我都不知道自己有多与世隔绝 I didn't know how disconnected I had become
直到去年 一些很酷的人邀请我去了一些 until I was invited to a series of very cool parties last year,
很酷的派对 by some cool people.
不过派对上的人会吸毒 我不吸毒 They took drugs, though, and I don't take drugs
所以他们吸的时候我就有点尴尬 so that was a bit awkward to see happening in front of me,
当时桌子上有一条条包好的白粉 like these lines of cocaine being wrapped up on a coffee table
他们要给我一条 我不知道怎么拒绝 and to be offered a line and not know what to say,
结果最后我说“噢 不 谢谢 我吃过了 你们继续” so I end up saying, "Oh, no thank you, I've just eaten. You carry on."
我去那主要是因为这样我能成为他们的一员 I wanted to be there because it meant that I was one of them
而且一个人不能违抗社交惯例 我之所以知道这一点 and you can't reject the social norms. I know this
是因为我16岁的时候 我的朋友们聚在一起 because when I was 16 and alcohol was first introduced
第一次偷偷喝酒 结果我冒出一句：“这太疯狂了 to my group of friends, I ended up saying, "This is ridiculous,
我们还是孩子啊” "we're children."
当时的我因为跟不上形势 And then because I couldn't cope with what was going on,
就会在沙发上装睡 想着 I would pretend to be asleep on a sofa, thinking,
“好想长大 等我长到17岁就要逃离这种快乐生活” "I can't wait till I'm 17 so I can drive away from this fun."
现在的我也不喝酒 不过我明白英国人为什么喝酒 And I don't drink now and I understand the reason we drink
喝酒能让人更随性 in this culture, it creates a fluidity,
我们需要酒才能与人相处 包括爱人 it means we can sort of cope with the people we love, but if you...
但是如果你不能喝酒 你就需要别的方法 if you don't have that, then you need other coping mechanisms.
我注意到自己 So what I have noticed is that
很喜欢在派对上说“好玩”这个词 I tend to say the word "fun" a lot at parties.
喔 好好玩 这是个好玩的派对 你觉得好玩么? Well, this is fun. This is a fun party. You having fun?
我觉得很好玩 真是个好玩的派对 你们是情侣不 I'm having fun, what a fun party. You a couple?
在一起多久了 How long have you been together?
你们如何在恋爱中一直保持激情 How do you get a spark alive in your relationship?
等到他们感到尴尬 我就放松了 Then they feel awkward and I can relax.
来说说这些派对上的人 To describe the people at these parties,
有个人叫做Merlin 这没什么问题 there was a guy there called Merlin and that is not the issue.
有个晚上 我注意到他的牙齿又齐又白 I noticed one night he had the most incredible straight, white teeth
我就对他说 “天呐 Merlin and I said to him, "Gosh, Merlin,
你的牙这么完美 你小时候有没有带过牙齿矫正器” "you've got such perfect teeth, did you wear a brace as a child?
没 No.
那些派对上全是这样的人类 That's the sort of person that was there.
他们完美的牙齿都是从牙床里轻松长出来的 They just grew out of his gums without anxiety.
他们对自己的身体都很自信 The people there were comfortable in their bodies.
有些男人还穿着背心 你们懂我的意思吗 There were men wearing vests. Do you know what I mean?
我呢 每过三四年 And I, every three to four years,
就会买一件背心 心想 find myself buying a vest, thinking,
突破自我吧 "Maybe this time."
我在少年时期很讨厌自己的身体 I hated my body when I was a teenager
等我25岁 突然间大家都喜欢瘦子了 and then I got to about 25 and it suddenly became quite trendy
我有点飘飘然 有次在一个派对上说 to be skinny and I got a bit carried away and ended up saying at a party, 55 00:03:2 6,440 --> 00:03:28,080 “我挺瘦的” 一个女孩说 “也没那么瘦” "I'm quite skinny," and a girl said, "You're not that skinny,"
这时候又觉得我胖了是吧 and then I was fat.
还有件烦人的事 就是那些第一次见到我的人 The other issue, and this is often a problem when I meet new people,
他们有时候就是看不出来 they somehow don't realise 59 00:03:3 9,360 --> 00:03:40,840 我有多搞笑 that I am funny.
要是你不知道我有多搞笑 走进来 And I think if you don't know that coming in, then the things I say
觉得我说的东西又奇怪又伤人 我就要解释 seem to be a bit odd or aggressive, and I have to say to them,
“不不 不要担心” "Oh no, don't worry,
“我真的很专业很搞笑” "I'm professionally funny."
本来他们不懂我也没什么 And it wouldn't be a problem
可我就是会被那些时尚 但毫无幽默感的人吸引 if I was not perversely drawn to the very trendy, yet humourless.
最近我去了 I was in...
东伦敦的Shoreditch（新兴文艺区） East London's Shoreditch recently,
到处都是无趣的潮人 which is where many of them are,
我不想批判这些人 我想成为他们的朋友 and I don't want to judge these people. I want to be one of them.
我喜欢他们的自信 我觉得他们也会追求快乐 I like their courage and I think they would like to experience joy.
我仿佛听到他们说 “我们想尽情大笑但是我们的头发好重” I feel them saying, "We would like to laugh but our hair is too heavy."
有天晚上 我注意到一个男人 And I was drawn on this particular night to this guy wearing
带着圆圆的 巨大的 搞笑的眼镜 very large, round, funny, big glasses.
真的是非常搞笑 看起来不正常 超大的圆片镜 Really funny, crazy, oversized, big,
我对他说 round glasses and I said to him,
“嘿 眼镜很大嘛” "Hi, they're big glasses."
他说 “并没有” And he said, "Not really."
“脸小啊” Small face?
他说 “我是近视” He said, "I'm short-sighted."
我说 “嗯 我知道 你看 我们都是近视 I said, "Oh, I know. Look, we're all short-sighted
但如果你近视到看不见这副眼镜有多大 "but if you can't see how big they are...
去买副更大的吧” "Maybe you need bigger glasses."
说完我很担心他觉得我在侮辱他 我没这意思 Then I was worried he thought I was being aggressive, which I wasn't.
我就解释 “我和你说话是因为喜欢你的打扮 I said, "I came over cos I like the look. 85 00:05:12,00 0 --> 00:05:13,400 我觉得你选的眼镜很棒 "I like what you've got going on. But you seem to be
但你这个人好像展现不了它的内在美” "wearing them without the humour they were designed with."
我最近还去过纽约 在那我又看到了 I was in New York recently and I met what seemed to be
此人的女版 她是一个 在现在的社会看来 the female equivalent of him. She is everything you are supposed to be
模板一样的女孩 很瘦 很漂亮 if you've a girl in this culture, very thin, very pretty but also
有一点点叛逆 刘海剪得很短 subtly subversive, so she's got this fringe that's slightly too short.
穿着外露的短袜 She's got socks and...
她的一切都表明她随性 酷炫 成功 everything about her says, effortless, cool, success.
她肯定有份设计相关的工作 She's got this job in design, she's got a boyfriend
有个一缕头发挑染成灰色的男朋友 总之就是很酷 with one streak of grey in his hair, it's all very clever.
我们见面的那天 她刚去过一个跳蚤市场 And we meet up on a day that she's come from a flea market
买了一个复古的木箱 and she had purchased a vintage crate.
她跟我说 She said to me,
“你不觉得它很美么” "Don't you think it's a beautiful piece?"
我愣住了 我不是一个不懂得 And then I didn't know what to do, because I'm not an idiot who can't
欣赏木箱之美的蠢货 但是 appreciate the beauty of a crate, but...
我觉得她说的话就等于 it didn't feel far away from her saying,
“看 我买了块砖” "Look, I've bought a brick."
我试着去理解她 人与人之间总有共性 And all I want to do is connect with her as a human being
也许对她来说这很正常 也许她买这个木箱 and maybe it is all effortless for her. Maybe she has bought it
就是因为它美 但我知道我给自己的公寓买的东西 for its beauty. But I know that everything I've bought
不管是放在架子上的 还是贴在墙上的 for my flat, everything on the shelves, everything on the walls,
都是为了让来的人看到后说 “哇 房间好酷” so that people come round, they say, "Wow, this is a cool flat." And then
然后我就会承认 “对吧 我做的一切都是为了你这句话” I have to say, "I know, everything I did is so you would say that."
我去过的很多派对上 人们都会提到Jasper这个人 There was a lot of talk of Jasper at these parties.
Simon 你一定要见见Jasper 你一定会喜欢上Jasper的 You must meet Jasper Simon. You'd love beautiful Jasper.
他现在人在巴黎 不过等你见到他 哎呀 想想就好激动 He's in Paris at the moment but when you meet him, oh, my God.
六个月之后我见到了Jasper 我没觉得他多迷人 Jasper arrives six months later and I don't really find him
但是我似乎不该承认这一点 attractive but I don't feel I should reject the idea,
因为我已经拒绝参与吸毒了 再否定Jasper的魅力 because I already said no to so much cocaine, and I want to be a guy
我就不能和他们待在一起了 我可不想呆在角落 who's at the party, there, one of them. I don't want to be a guy
观察别人为下场演出攒段子 所以 in the corner, secretly making notes for a show. So...
所以不知不觉间 我和Jasper坐在了床上 So I find myself sat on a bed with Jasper,
从气球里吸着笑气（一氧化二氮 ） inhaling nitrous oxide from balloons.
我是不吸毒的 除非他们把毒品装在气球里 I don't do drugs but I will if they've come in balloons.
我觉得有点嗨 And I felt a little high.
在笑气的驱使下 我想碰碰他 It made me want to touch him, this drug,
但是在我性格的阻碍下 but rather than going with that feeling,
我没能跟着感觉自然地这么做 而是正儿八经地说 I stuck with my personality, which ended up saying,
“我们接个吻可好” "Maybe we should kiss."
他站起来说 He then stands up and says,
“呃 其实我想去喝杯酒” "I might get a drink, actually,"
然后离开了我 我坐在一堆干瘪的气球中 leaving me, just surrounded by deflated balloons,
想着 要不是他刚从巴黎回来我都不想理他 thinking, I didn't even want him but he just got back from Paris.
但那也不是喜欢一个人的理由啊 That's not a reason to go for someone,
如果是的话 我就应该站在伦敦火车站等欧陆之星列车 otherwise I should be stood on the London terminal of the Eurostar.
你好啊（法语） Bonjour.
哎哟 比利时人 你们接着走吧 Oh, Brussels, continue tout droit...
我无法和这些人产生共鸣 I couldn't connect with the people there.
就像我无法和Jasper产生共鸣 最近我发现 I couldn't connect with Jasper. I found out, recently,
Jasper在为一本杂志工作 这杂志一年发行两刊 he now works for a magazine that comes out twice a year.
我觉得 为什么不让生活更有趣些 I mean, why not be really interesting, 137 00:08:19 ,960 --> 00:08:21,827 去为一本根本不发行的杂志工作呢 work for a magazine that doesn't come out?
“你看过Toot吗”“没有 没人看过 太酷炫了会瞎掉的” Have you read Toot? No, no-one has, it's too cool for eyes.
最近发生的算是有趣的事 是我表弟的18岁生日 It was interesting, recently, being at my cousin's 18th birthday party.
不知为何 他有两个完全不同的朋友圈 He somehow has these two distinctive groups of friends.
在院子的一边是一群年轻 健康 阳光的 On one side of the garden these young, healthy,
男孩子在踢足球 comfortable-looking guys playing football.
另一边是一群害羞 笨拙 古怪的 On the other side, these shy, awkward, weirdo, outsider,
边缘人 看着像那种会花钱看我演出的人 odd-balls. The sort of young people who come and see me do comedy -
谢谢你们来哈 and thank you for coming.
在那一刻 我决定我要和 I decide at that moment in my life I'm going to be with
那些阳光的人在一起 我要那样的生活 我做到了 the comfortable people. I'm going to exist there, and I do.
我过得很愉快 但是临走的时候 我觉得 It's fine, but as I'm leaving I feel bad
没和另一些人说话不太好 于是我说 that I'm not talking to the other people, and this comes out of me,
“再见 曾经的我与你们同在” "Goodbye, I used to be one of you."
因为我不能和周围的人产生完整的 And, because I couldn't connect fully, emotionally with
情感上的共鸣 去年我一个人去度假了 the people around me, I found myself last year going on holiday alone,
其实我经常一个人度假 但是告诉别人你一个人度假 which I've done quite a bit and it isn't a comfortable thing
不太容易 每当我说起这事 to talk about or hear, I know, when I tell people I'm going
人们都会露出惊恐的表情 只能说出 on holiday on my own, they kind of panic and start saying things like,
“什么 你做了什么 你怎么做到的”之类的句子 "What do you mean? What do you do? How do you do that?"
然后我就要安慰他们 一切都很正常 我去了博物馆 And you have to reassure them. It's fine, you go to a museum,
去游了泳 去了饭店 吃了沙拉 you go swimming, you sit in a restaurant, you eat a salad,
假装在发短信 一切都很正常 you pretend to text. It's fine.
我总是随身带着个小记事本 这样我就能 I often take a little notepad with me so I can pretend to be
记录些事情 其实没有可记的 我只是希望人们看到我会想 making some notes on something. Not really, just if anyone is looking,
“他是不是很孤独 噢 不 他应该是个流浪的天才” "Oh, is he lonely? Oh, no, he must be a travelling genius."
我独自旅行的原因是 But why I'm there and what I like
当你独自一人在另一个国家 没人认识你 about being alone in another country, anonymous,
你就能发现自己是谁 is that you find out who you are.
我们只能通过身边人固定的印象去了解 Who we tend to be are the fixed, limited perceptions
自己是什么样的人 当你一个人时 你是谁 of the people around us and if you are alone, who are you?
你是谁 Who are you?
最终 我发现自己 It turns out, I...
是一只饥渴的小淫虫 ..am a horny sex pest.
而且还不受欢迎 And not a successful one.
我整天想着滚床单 Just somebody thinking about but not getting any sex,
但是一直没有对象 这很奇怪 就好像 all the time, like this ridiculous addiction, like being addicted
一个人有毒瘾 但其实 从来没见过毒品 to heroin but, somehow, never having found anyone to give you heroin.
“见鬼 又一周没碰过毒品了 Oh, another whole week without any heroin.
我要如何战胜这致命的毒瘾呢” How will I overcome this fatal addiction?
我在阿姆斯特丹呆了三天 一直想着 I was in Amsterdam for about three days, thinking about sex
滚床单 可能 有40分钟没有想 the whole time that I was there, apart from, I don't know,
那时我在安妮纪念馆（安妮日记作者） 40 minutes in the Anne Frank museum.
我在纪念馆呆了1小时 And I was there for an hour.
阿姆斯特丹留给我最令人性奋的回忆 The most sexually exciting it got for me
发生在一个别人推荐我去的游泳馆 was being at this swimming pool that had been recommended.
我换泳裤的时候 I was changing into my swimming shorts
有个男的对我说 “不用换 这是裸泳池” and then a man says to me, "Oh, no, this is a nude pool."
因为他有口音 我把“裸”听成了“新” I do not hear nude because of his accent, I hear "new",
以为他是在含蓄地嫌弃我的短裤 and think that must be just some weird judgement on my shorts.
于是我说 “可是 我只有这条” So I said, "Well, they're all I've got."
我鼓足勇气进了泳池 发现那儿的人 I ventured to the swimming pool to find everyone was there,
都一丝不挂的盯着我好像我才是不正常的 naked and now looking at me like I'm a deviant,
我只好把裤子脱下来 幸好 and I had to take the shorts off, which was OK,
是我一个人脱光光 cos I was naked and alone.
如果我是和朋友一起去的那就尴尬了 If I was there with a friend that would have been quite difficult.
“好吧 Well...
我们的小弟弟终于相见了” These are our willies.
不知道我们会不会互相行屈膝礼啊 We may not have curtseyed, I don't know.
我游着泳 觉得很舒服 And as I'm swimming, I realise not only is this a wonderful feeling,
周围人习以为常的态度也让人舒服 but this is not peculiar to the people around me.
这是他们的文化风俗 但是他们不知道 It is the cultural norm, but what they don't realise is,
泳池里混进了一个英国“绅士” they've got a British pervert in there with them.
不过 等我告别了阿姆斯特丹 Although, I just finished this tour and people from Amsterdam
一次演出结束后 有阿姆斯特丹人跑到后台告诉我 came into one of the shows and told me afterwards,
“我们没听说过那样的泳池” "We don't know what pool that was."
所以 So...
不是什么文化风俗 it is not the cultural norm.
我和一群变态一起裸泳了 I was swimming with a bunch of perverts.
我觉得我所说的缺少共鸣来源于 I think that disconnection that I'm talking about comes from
我对感情的压抑 我觉得自己不知为何有性压抑的问题 a repression of feelings. I think I was oddly sexually repressed
而且同时压抑了许多愤怒 and also, repressing a lot of anger, it turned out.
我都不知道自己有那么多愤怒 I didn't even know I had anger.
看着别人生气我会想 I would see other people becoming angry and think,
“嗯 这么做挺傻的” 我住汉普斯特德 "Well, this is quite silly," especially as I live in Hampstead.
汉普斯特德的人生气起来就像这样 To see people being angry on Hampstead High Street is like,
“怎么了 这里有可丽饼 吃个饼吧” what? There's crepes, have a crepe.
但是有一次我演出回来 But then I was at the Dublin airport,
和朋友一起到了都柏林机场 coming home from a comedy festival with a couple of friends
有个朋友看上了一个在MAC化妆品柜台 and one of these friends sees this girl that he finds attractive,
工作的女孩 working at the MAC make-up counter.
她挺好看的 虽然画着很厚的妆 She was quite attractive. She was wearing a lot of make-up
但毕竟她在化妆品柜台工作 不能这样就说她不好 but we can't judge her for that, she works at the make-up counter,
她站在那会无聊的嘛 可能每隔几个小时就画一层妆解闷 the hours go by, and she gets bored. These things can accumulate.
我觉得这好像仅限于化妆品柜台 And I think that's a problem quite specific to the make-up counter.
从没见过卖鞋子的穿着一身鞋 I've never gone into a shoe shop and somebody's covered in shoes.
不管怎样 我说“好 让我们去和她打个招呼 So I say, "Well, let's go over and say hello to this woman,"
因为我们有活力… Cause we are alive…
不知为什么我时不时这么说 That's something I say occasionally.
我想 因为是我提议的 我要主导这次搭讪 And I think, it's been my idea, so I should host the flirting,
我对女孩说“你好 这些都是什么” so I say, "Hello, what's all this?"
她给我们介绍了MAC万众期待的新系列 She tells us about the exciting new MAC range
我为了能让我的朋友 and I, in order to get my friend involved with her,
以一种挑逗又蠢萌的方式参与进来 问她 in a flirty sort of silly way, ask, "What do you recommend for
“你会为我这位皮肤苍白的朋友推荐什么产品呢” "my friend with his nice, pale skin, what do you recommend for him?"
她说“你女朋友…”我说“没有女朋友 She says, "Your girlfriend..." I say, "No, there's no girlfriend.
他还是单身 你会为他推荐什么” "He's very much single, what do you recommend for him?"
她说“如果你有女朋友的话…”我说“没有女朋友 She says, "If you had a girlfriend?" I said, "No, there's no girlfriend.
你会给他推荐什么” "What would you recommend for him?"
她说“嗯 女生…”然后 不知为什么 She says, "Well, women..." and then, and I didn't even know why,
我怒火中烧 I was warm from fury.
开始口不择言 And I start saying things like,
“要是Eddie Izzard来的话怎么办 你不卖给他吗（喜欢穿女装表演的单口喜剧男演员）” "What if Eddie Izzard walked up? This is very limiting, isn't it?"
她不知道那是谁 我更生气了 She didn't know who he was, which annoyed me.
她很漂亮而且她知道自己很漂亮 She was beautiful and she knew that she was beautiful
但我觉得她的知识量就这么点了 but I think that's all she knew.
其实 我只是嫉妒 And that's just jealousy, really.
如果你天生丽质 你就什么都不需要了 If you are naturally beautiful, that's all you need in this world.
以前我听说派对上有模特就很激动 “模特 I used to get so excited by models at parties. "Models! There are
有模特来参加派对 我要去和模特搭讪 "models at this party. I've got to go and flirt with the models."
一定要推倒一个模特” 最近我去了一个派对 "Must have a model." I was recently at a party,
有两个模特在我前面 there were two models stood in front of me
正要去搭讪时我突然想 and I was all ready to go into action and I just thought,
“你们死去吧” "Oh, fuck you."
对吧 Right.
模特做了什么呢 Because what have they done?
他们只是长得高 They've grown high.
我学了玩杂耍啊 I learnt to juggle.
一点用也没有 对我一点用也没有 It hasn't helped. It hasn't helped me.
为什么我小时候没有人推一架钢琴到我面前 Why did nobody put a piano in front of me as a child?
那样的话现在我就可以在酒吧里弹钢琴 Then I could be a guy now, who can play the piano in a bar,
人们会请我弹曲子 没有人会请我玩杂耍 taking requests. There are no requests with juggling,
只会说“别玩” other than, "Don't juggle."
我站在机场 完全没意识到自己 I was standing there in this airport with no self-consciousness about
在冲一个陌生人大吼 我不在乎别人的目光 shouting at this stranger. I don't care that people are looking.
另一个朋友走过来问 “这里还好么” My other friend comes over and says, "Is everything all right?"
我说“不 And I say, "No,
我们只是想买化妆品 "we just want to buy some make-up,
但很显然我们应该滚蛋” "but apparently we should just fuck off."
然后 我终于意识到朋友的存在 他若有所思 And then I see my friend for the first time, who's clearly thinking,
“我们 不是来买化妆品的啊” "Well, this isn't quite what we planned."
当时我都不知道自己为什么那么生气 I didn't even know why I was angry
但是现在我知道了 and I've since come to the realisation
是因为她太狭隘 that it was about how limiting she was being about
我们所在的这个世界充满可能 what was allowed to occur in this world of possibility
她却觉得事物只能有几种模式 只用性别就可以区分人们 that we are actually in and to be still so stuck on gender roles.
我们身上既有男性面也有女性面 We all combine the male and the female.
只有缺乏安全感的男人才急于展现男性气质 It's only the most insecure men who are aggressively masculine
因为他们觉得那是他们仅有的东西 because they feel it's all they've got, and often the most
而缺乏安全感的女人 就是那些无论去哪都穿得很少的 insecure women are wandering around with the least amount of clothes.
她们好像在说“我唯一知道的事就是我是个女人 来一起玩吧” I feel them saying, "All I know is I'm a woman. Come on, get involved."
很明显 这 And, obviously, that...
这也不一定都来自于安全感缺乏 it's not always a thing that comes from insecurity.
我想 我觉得我必须澄清 I want to, I feel I should say that's not...
这些表现不一定都来自于安全感缺乏 It's not something that always comes from insecurity,
也可能是从容 自信的表现 like, it can be an empowering, assertive....
有个来自纽约的女孩来看我表演 A girl from New York came to see
她很不错 this show and she was quite brilliant,
她对我说的有意见 我的意思是 女人 she had a problem with that. And what I'm saying is, women...
我们 都有男性面和女性面 We all combine the male and the female
我们好像都想最终 and it feels like we're trying to get there.
好像所有人都想 It feels like, as a culture,
做最好的自己 we're trying to be all that we actually are,
但是我们仍然感到恐惧 but because there is still this fear,
因为社会一直向我们灌输错误的信息 we are being fed these words that don't make any sense.
比如男士包 男士眼线 Like man-bag and guy-liner.
男人难道是没有手和眼睛么 Like men don't have hands or eyes.
“我买了男士眼线 该用在哪儿啊 Bought this guy-liner, don't know where it goes.
就算我知道 我没有手怎么画啊” And if I did, no way of putting it on.
夫妇间的讨论总是让我很沮丧 It still upsets me to hear even young, trendy couples saying
他们会说 我们要有宝宝了但不知道是男是女 things like, we're having a baby but we don't know the gender
所以不知道该把婴儿房刷成蓝色还是粉色 so we don't know whether to paint the nursery blue or pink.
为了保险 可能会选黄色 We might go for yellow just to be safe.
有什么关系呢 刷成蓝色 随便刷刷 What is the danger here? Go blue, go nuts.
要是是女孩怎么办 万一她长成Bruce Willis怎么办（硬汉） What if it's a girl? We don't want her to grow up to be Bruce Willis.
等孩子生下来他们又会说 And then they have the baby and these sentences pour out of them.
喔 是个女孩 但是个假小子 Oh, we've had a girl but she's quite a tom-boy.
这是个什么词啊 也许只是你们对女孩的概念 What is this word? Maybe your idea of what a girl is supposed to be
太狭隘了 喔 是个男孩 is quite restrictive. Oh, we've had a boy
但是他在玩娃娃 上帝啊 你们要把他回炉重造吗 but he's playing with dolls. Oh, God, then put him back in?
我不太喜欢一个句子里出现“但是”这个词 I'm not keen when the word "but" is inserted into a sentence
很多时候根本用不上“但是” when there is no need for it.
就像我外公外婆对新邻居的评价是 When my grandparents had new neighbours, they said,
“噢 他们是印度人 但是他们很有礼貌” "Oh, they're Indian but they're so polite."
有什么可“但是”的 There's no "but".
有些电视剧要是不知道怎么塑造少数民族角色 When TV dramas don't know what to do with their minority characters,
就想给他们设置一些转折 they give them a little twist.
“嗯 她是个黑人 但是她会吹单簧管”这不是个转折啊 Well, she's black but she plays the oboe. It's not a twist.
“噢 单簧管 我以为她会谋杀我妻子呢 但鉴于单簧管” Ooh, the oboe. I thought she'd murder my wife. The oboe.
“他坐着轮椅 但是他并不悲伤” 什么啊 He's in a wheelchair but he's not sad. What?
“他裹着穆斯林头巾 但是还穿着苏格兰短裙 He's wearing a turban but he's also wearing a kilt.
真复杂” Complex.
我对我们目前这个时代 I'm very impatient for this time that we live in,
还有被这个时代列为正常的东西缺乏耐心 the things that are considered normal. People talk about the past,
人们谈到历史会觉得那时很荒谬 history, like that was all ridiculous,
觉得那样的事怎么可能发生呢 how could any of that have happened?
我想去到未来或者其他时空 I would like to be in the future now or somewhere else
来回头看看现在 你记不记得当时的人们 so I could look back at this time and say, "Do you remember
会喝其他动物的奶啊？ "when people drank milk from other species?"
他们看到奶牛在给小牛喂奶就想 Did they see cows feeding their calves and think,
“嗯 我也应该来一杯” "Yeah, that's probably for me."
你记不记得当时人们结婚以前 Do you remember when people got married before they trusted
不知道彼此的爱能维系多久 that love would be enough?
“喔 这是我们的大日子啊大日子” "Oh, it's just our one special day, it's our one special day."
然后呢 你们就在沙发上坐了一辈子 And then what? Do you remember our special day
“还记得结婚那天吗 before we sat on this sofa and never got up again?
‘我当时很瘦对吧’ ‘是的 当时’” I was thin, wasn't I? You were thin.
关于婚姻的一切都是人们编造的 We made it all up, marriages.
结婚这件事并不自然 为此我们要说很多 It's not a naturally occurring thing, we had to have all this
浪漫的话 “你愿意和我结婚么” 这些话都是假的 romantic language. Will you marry me? Because it couldn't be
实际上人们想说 你愿意拯救我于这孤独与恐惧的深渊么 the truth, which is, will you please save me from my loneliest depression
但这么说的话人们会回答“我忙着呢” and fear? Because people would have said, "I'm quite busy."
你记不记得当时人们觉得钱能解决一切 Do you remember when people thought money was the answer?
钱能让他们快乐 中彩票能让他们快乐 That money would make them happy? If I could just win the Lottery,
“哇 我中了彩票 啊 我把钱花光了 贫穷永远伴随着我” "Oh, I have won it. Oh, I've spent it all. The problem was internal."
金钱只是一个让事物运转的工具 Money is just a system for moving things around and to be
我们也没必要那么迷恋物质 “喔 我爱我的车 我爱我的车” so attached to things. "Oh, I love my car. I love my car."
真的么 你可能只是讨厌你的妻子 Do you? Or do you just hate your wife?
如果你让人们都喜欢上这个让事物运转的工具 If you have people excited about a system for moving things around,
你就有了控制权 在我小学的时候 then you have control. When I was at primary school,
有一个老师管不住学生 there was a teacher who couldn't control the class
然后就她就实行了积分制 每周末 and then introduced a points system, where at the end of every week,
拿到最多分的学生可以拿到一根迷你装巧克力棒 the person with the most points would win a fun-size chocolate bar
大家为此都疯了 and everyone went nuts for this.
我记得自己当时想 你们难道不知道 And I remember thinking, don't you people know that
学校外可以买到正常大小的巧克力棒嘛 outside of this room there are actual-size chocolate bars?
还有 你记不记得当时我们有个教皇 What about, do you remember when we had that Pope figure
他四处游荡 说些致人死地又错误百出的话 wandering around, saying fatally inaccurate things and eventually
最后我们只好以反人类的罪名把他关进监狱 we just had to put him in prison for crimes against humanity
我们不能杀他 因为杀了他会有新的教皇 because you couldn't kill him because he just got replaced?
就是那时候我们发明了监狱 That was when we had prisons, of course.
你记不记得当时我们还有监狱 Do you remember when we had prisons?
我们把人分别关在笼子里 When we separated people off into cages rather than giving them
但实际上只要给他们关爱世界上就不会有犯罪了 the love they needed that would have stopped all the crime?
以后你们会知道我是对的 You'll have to just trust me on that one.
你记不记得当时如果宠物死了 人们会很伤心 Do you remember when people got upset when their pets died,
但是如果其他动物死了 就被吃掉了 but then when other animals died, they ate them?
你记不记得当时因为食物总是深度加工 Do you remember when food became so processed
变得太不自然 以至于一些食物被标为“有机” and unnatural that certain foods became labelled organic,
好像很高端其实只是“无毒”而已 like it was a kooky luxury to not consume poison.
还有当时信仰宗教的人们忘记了 And what about when religious people failed to remember that
上帝就是自然 没有比大自然更包罗万象 God is nature. There is nothing more all-encompassing or wise
充满智慧的了 than Mother Nature.
而无神论者忘记了科学就是对自然的研究 And atheists forgot that science is the study of nature
然后他们都醒悟过来 和一颗树XXOO了 and then they both remembered and had amazing sex by a tree.
你记不记得当时人们会为自己的家乡骄傲 And do you remember when people felt proud of where they came from,
好像这和他们有关系似的 like it was something to do with them?
家乡只不过是你从母亲的“哔——”里跑出来时恰好在的地方 It's just where you happened to fall out of your mother's vagina.
喔 我为我是个英国人感到骄傲 Oh, I'm so proud to be British.
还不如为自己是个破腹产的而骄傲呢 You may as well be proud to be Caesarean.
国旗分开了我们 All these separate flags.
如果一定要有一面旗 在旗子上画上“哔——”吧 If you're going to have a flag, have a flag of a vagina,
这样你遇见一个人就可以说 “嘿 你好 你从哪来 so then you can meet people and go, "Oh, hi, where are you from?
嘿 和我一样 我们做朋友吧” "Oh, same as me. Let's be friends."
世界和平是怎样达成的 How was peace finally achieved?
“哔——”之旗的发明 The introduction of the vagina flag.
好在都过去了对吧 当时我们居然相信这些蠢事 But that was the past, right? When we fixated on such silliness.
我快要30岁的时候 经历了一次人生危机 I, when I was turning 30, had a crisis about that
知道现在我才知道那是一次人生危机 and I didn't even know it was going to be a crisis until this moment.
我走在街上 I was wandering along the street
穿着黄色帽衫 紧身牛仔裤和运动鞋 in some skinny jeans, trainers and a yellow hoody
突然在一扇橱窗里看见了自己的倒映 and I suddenly saw a reflection of myself in a shop window
我想到 and thought,
我的头安在这身衣服上是不是太老了 "Does my head look too old for these clothes?"
接下来一整天我无法专心做任何事 And I couldn't concentrate on anything else that day
因为我觉得我生命中的一切都需要青春 because I thought everything in my life depends on youth.
我经常 嬉皮笑脸 只有年轻人才能这样 I'm sort of a bit cheeky, you have to be young for that.
“喔 小Simon 他总是嬉皮笑脸的” "Oh, young Simon is so cheeky."
嬉皮笑脸的Simon蜀黍就太可怕了 Uncle Simon is creepy.
嬉皮笑脸的Simon爷爷 正在蹲监狱 And Grandpa Simon, he's in prison.
我以前只喜欢年轻男人 I also used to exclusively fancy young men
而且我觉得要和他们在一起我看起来也要年轻 and I thought I needed to look like them in order to be with them.
如果我不再年轻了 我需要新的装束 If that couldn't happen anymore, then I needed a new look
于是我成了现在这样 and this is what I came up with.
现在我不用装年轻了 So that now I don't have to look like a young guy.
现在人们看着我心想 “他一定是个诗人” Now, people look at me and think, "Oh, he must be a poet."
现在我去一个派对 年轻人看着我心想 So I can be at a party and a young guy can be looking at me thinking,
“嘿 他看着挺年轻的为什么穿那么老派” "Oh, hello, his head looks young for his clothes."
我很害怕成为我父亲那样 There was also this terrible fear of becoming my father.
我们关系不太好 We do not have a great relationship.
最近 他邀请我去了他再婚后的孩子的生日派对 He invited me to one of his new kids' birthday parties recently.
他又开始播种了因为…怕犹太人灭亡吧 He started breeding again because... what if we run out of Jews?
事实就是这样 That's the actual reason.
我不是很想去因为我们关系不好 I don't feel great about going to the party. We don't have a great relationship.
我和那些小孩不熟 他们还不满九岁我们的童年不太一样 I don't know the kids well. They're all under nine. I didn't grow up with them.
孕育我们的是同样的精子和不同的子宫 It's the same sperm but a whole different womb,
但是你不能对过生日的四岁小朋友说这么说 but you can't say that to a four-year-old on her birthday.
最好写在贺卡里告诉他 It's best to write that in the card.
我父亲问我能不能带些道具来 My father also asks if I can bring some of my magic tricks that
变几个魔术逗小孩开心 因为 I used to do so I can entertain all the children. Because when I was...
我希望是在我更小的时候但是 17岁 I wish this was quite a bit younger. ..17,
因为没人告诉过我 because nobody ever said to me,
“嗯 变得不错 Simon 除了魔术 滚床单也很有趣哦” "Oh, it's nice, Simon, all this magic. You might like sex."
所以我21岁前都很纯洁 So I had no sex till I was 21
21岁之后忙着赶上同龄人的进度 and I really had to make up for lost time.
现在我赶上了又怀念起魔术了 So there's been quite a bit of sex but now I very much miss the magic.
我喜欢自己在派对上有个任务 I like the idea of having a prop at the party,
有事可做意味着我不用以 having something to do, because it meant I wouldn't
父亲的儿子身份出席 而是个表演者 have to be my father's son. I could be the entertainer guy.
我想我可以用气球给孩子们做很多小动物 I thought I could make balloon animals for all the children.
问题是 我父亲没有邀请很多小孩 But he didn't invite all the children,
一共只有他和三个小鬼 it was just him and his three kids,
而我从网上订了200个气球 and I'd ordered 200 balloons from the internet
等我做完两只贵宾和一只长颈鹿 and once I'd made a couple of poodles and a giraffe,
三只长得都一样 which is the same thing, I...
我父亲叫我去和他谈谈 I had to talk to my father.
他说“我们应该谈谈” He says, "Let's have a chat."
我坐下来 他说 I sit down and he says,
“那么” "So?"
这真是个很大的问题 Which is a very broad question.
我说了半天 他接着说“那么 还有呢” I struggle. He then follows it up with, "So, what else?"
数年的心理治疗让我明白 I have accepted, after years of therapy,
他是个和孩子不亲近的父亲 that he was a distant father
但为什么他连提问都不会呢 but that he's such a bad interviewer is unfair.
后来他说“你知道 你应该常来看看” He then says, "You know, you must come over more often."
我父亲家就像一间不提供食物的餐馆还说 It's like being a restaurant, not providing any food and saying,
“再来啊” "Come again!"
我们没谈多久 后来他给我打电话说 But we didn't talk for a while and then he phoned me
“我最近在想 总有一天我会死 and said, "I've been thinking. One day, I'm going to be on my death-bed
如果我们没能好好相处 会很后悔的” "and if we don't have a relationship, there'll be regret."
所以现在我们约好 大概每隔几个月 So now we make sure we see each other, like, once every
要见一次面 每次 我都很后悔 couple of months and I always regret it.
但是等他死的时候 But when he dies,
我就一点也不会难过了 I'm going to feel pretty good.
LAUGHTER
他 嗯 He, er...
HE CHUCKLES
他最近来我家的时候 He came over recently,
我一周前正好被 可能是我第一次认真 in a week that I had been dumped by possibly the first person
喜欢的人甩了 I've ever actually loved, and...
AUDIENCE AHHS
喔 虽然没用 不过谢谢你们 Oh. Doesn't help, but thank you.
就在我被甩的同时 我的洗衣机坏了 And at the same time as that happening, my washing machine broke.
LAUGHTER
死去 Fuck you.
这可是我的人生 This is my actual life.
不是我临时编的故事 It's not a fun night out.
以后海报上一定要写上 We really must put that on the posters.
我父亲 他来帮我修洗衣机 我想 So he comes over to fix the washing machine but I thought that,
可能 这次 perhaps, for the first time,
我们终于可以认真谈谈心 we could actually have a conversation about something.
他可以教导我 告诉我一点人生智慧 There was some nurturing, some wisdom that could be provided.
结果他的情商应付不了分手这种话题 He did not have the emotional capacity to discuss a break-up.
但他修好了洗衣机 He fixed the washing machine.
我很愤怒因为他只是修好了洗衣机 I felt very angry that that's what happened that day
但是现在我明白了 and I've since come to this realisation.
我想起他比约定提前一天来到我家 I mean, I know he came over a day early to do that, because
因为他知道我一定很沮丧 他做了自己能做的 这就是爱 he knew I was upset and he did what he could do and so that's the love.
所以 现在只要有人问我 So now when people say to me,
“上衣不错啊 Simon 是新衣服吗”“不 "That's a nice top, Simon, is it new?" "No."
是我爸爸的爱” "My father loves me."
我明白了他不会永远在我身边 And I accept that because he won't be around for ever
有一天 想要这种爱 我只能去找水管工了 and at some point, I'll have to have that relationship with a plumber.
谁真的了解我爸爸呢 了解只限于我们感知到的部分 And who knows who he is, really? Everything is perception.
最近他来处理了一件存在已久的 He came over recently and dealt with this incredible
家庭危机 他处理得非常漂亮 family crisis that we were having and he dealt with it
像个专业的家庭顾问 so beautifully, like a trained counsellor.
和我记忆中的他很不一样 That was not my memory of him from childhood.
我小时候 他要么在生气要么很冷漠 In childhood, he was either angry or distant.
所以 有时候我们不知道他心里想什么 有时候我们知道 他心情又不好 So either we didn't know where he was, or we did and it was not ideal.
他不仅处理得好 而且很耐心 很亲切 He dealt with this so beautifully, with such patience and kindness.
之后我问他“你是谁” I said to him afterwards, "Who are you?
“你怎么做到的” "How did you do that?"
他说 这是他的原话 And he said to me, this is what he actually said,
“两年前 我不再吃小麦制品了” "About two years ago, I cut out wheat."
我本来可以有个快乐的童年的 I could have had a happy childhood,
而不是“不要去打扰爸爸 他吃了很多意面” instead of "Don't disturb Daddy, he's eaten a lot of pasta."
因为 我不能和我爸爸谈论分手的事 So, because I couldn't talk about that break-up with him,
我只好在这和你们谈和电视观众分享 I'm going to talk about it with you people now on television.
那段关系的建立就花了很久 And it took a long time to even become a relationship
那时候我很需要一些能支撑我的东西 and I really wanted something real at that point in my life
有一天晚上我们详细地谈了谈 他说“你瞧 and one night we had this whole discussion and he said, "Look,
可能我不想当Simon Amstell的男朋友” "Maybe I don't want to be Simon Amstell's boyfriend."
我听了好难过 因为 Which was really hard for me to hear because...
我就是Simon Amstell I am Simon Amstell.
而他 他是我的理想型 And he was... he was my exact type.
年轻 脆弱 He was young and vulnerable
我们第一次见面的时候他留着夸张的蓬蓬头 and when we first met he had all this crazy, big hair
我对他说“好蓬的蓬蓬头” and I said to him, "That's big hair,"
他没有反对 我们接着交谈 and he agreed, so we could carry on.
他和他的继父有些过节 And he has some issues with his step-father and
平时还有点小抑郁 我就喜欢这样的 所以 he suffered from a bit of depression and I love all that stuff, so...
有六个月的时间 一切都很顺利 Everything was going so well for about six months
然后他找了个工作 我们见面的时间变少了 and then he found this job, which meant we weren't seeing each other
我觉得我们之间好像有些不安地感觉 enough and I wasn't sure if there was this tension now because
不知道是因为工作还是我们本身 我以为 of the job or just us and I thought,
如果我们能在日程里加些约会日期 if I can just put some dates in our diaries,
每天就会有所期盼 就一切都解决了 there'll be stuff to look forward to, everything will be fine.
那天我们在公园广场见面 And then we meet up in this park square.
坐在长椅上 他对我说 We're sat on a bench and he says to me,
“我不能和你在一起了” "I can't be in this relationship any more."
“不能” "Can't."
居然说“不能” Can't was the word.
我认为 “你能的” And I thought, "You could."
“来 挑个约会日期” "Now, pick a date."
但是他没心情做这件事 所以我们拥抱了一下 But he could not discuss it at that point in his life, so we hugged
分别了 我觉得我可能需要哭一会 and we parted and then I felt like I may cry,
这对我来说挺不寻常的 不过在公园里 which is quite odd for me, but I didn't feel like I could
我似乎哭不出来 in the middle of this public park square.
我看见不远处有个咖啡店就决定 So I see a coffee shop in the distance and I think, I will go
去咖啡店的厕所里哭一会 但又有点担心 and cry in the toilet of that coffee shop, which was a worry
如果不买东西他们就不让你哭 cos often they don't let you cry unless you buy something first.
在走向咖啡店的路上 我的心情越来越沉重 And there's all this build-up, walking to the coffee shop.
不需要买东西 我把厕所的门关上 I don't have to buy anything. I close the door behind me
然后 因为我总是封闭自己的感情 and... because I'm so emotionally blocked,
当我感到自己流出了一滴眼泪 我太激动了结果哭不出来了 I feel one tear and I'm so thrilled that happened, I stop crying.
如此难过却哭不出来 I couldn't even cry the pain out of me.
我就做出租车回家了 司机精神抖擞的 I get into a taxi home. The taxi driver is quite perky.
我就问他 你看起来很快乐 I end up saying to him, you seem quite happy.
你怎么那么快乐呢 How come you're so happy?
他说“我总是这样快乐” He says, "I'm always happy,"
彻头彻尾的谎话 我要戳穿他 which was a clear lie so I pressed him on it.
我问 “你怎么能总是这样快乐呢” I said, "How can you always be happy?"
他说“因为我知道这世上 He said, "I just know there are always people in the world
总有人过得比我惨” "much worse off than me."
AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS
“哦 是哦 这就是我喜欢吃东西的原因 Oh, yeah, that's why I really enjoy eating
因为我知道这世上总有人在挨饿 cos I always know there are people in the world starving.
尊好吃” Mmm, yummy.
我到家了 接下来是最难过的时候 I get home and this is the hardest part for me.
这就是我的问题 This is the problem.
我到家了 感觉不到痛苦 I get home and I can't feel any of the pain.
我径直走向电脑 开始把发生的事记下来 I go straight to my computer and start typing up what has happened
这样就可以讲给你们听 so I can tell you people
我对正在打字的我的手感到愤怒 and I'm so annoyed at my own fingers, like,
“你们为什么要这样”“应为现在我们只剩下这个段子了” "Why are we doing this?" "Because this is all we've got."
前段时间我见到了他和他谈了谈分手的事 I met up with him a while ago to discuss what had happened
在讲这个悲伤的故事的时候我注意到 and it's very nice during all of that break-up story to see you
坐在第三排抱在一起的两位观众 hugging there in the third row.
当着我的面这样做 谢谢你们 That was sort of nice for me. Thank you.
我说 你们俩是不是有点自私 I mean, is it a bit selfish of you to...?
“他分手了 但我们感情很好 对吧” It's all right. "We're fine, aren't we?"
一切有尽头 Everything ends.
LAUGHTER
我们见面了 想看看是哪里出了问题 So we met up a while ago to discuss what had happened
他告诉我的其中一点是 他觉得我很 and one of the things he said to me was that he felt that
脆弱 需要一个人来照顾我 I was vulnerable and I needed somebody to take care of me.
拯救我 To save me.
我当时不同意他 This did not ring true at all,
但是后来在西班牙我去了一间SPA until I was at a spa hotel in Spain recently.
因为 人生领悟可能来自任何地方 Because life lessons can come from anywhere.
可能就在今晚你只是还没意识到 Many will come tonight and you won't even realise.
你以为你只是来听我讲了几个笑话 You'll think you've seen a comedy show
但明天你会觉得“也许我应该离开我丈夫” and then tomorrow you'll think, "Perhaps I should leave my husband."
我想做按摩但宾馆的服务员告诉我我要求的那种现在没有 I request a massage at this hotel and it isn't available so the lady
向我推荐了一种 in charge asks if I'd like this other massage,
我从来没听说过的按摩 which I haven't heard of,
还有一种漂浮式治疗 我觉得很有趣 and also this flotation room treatment, which intrigues me.
决定都试一试 我以为这两项是分开的 I say yes to both, thinking they will be two separate events.
结果 这是一个项目 我仰躺在温水里 What it turned out to be was me lying back in warm water, 577 00:33:55,040 -- > 00:33:59,120 房间一片漆黑 一个男人抱着我摇晃 in a dark room with a man swinging me about.
我好爱这个项目 And I loved it.
这个奇异的空间就像子宫 It was this strange womb-like space
这个男人就是那里的一切 母亲 父亲 and it felt like he was everything in that womb, mother, father,
哥哥 爱人 而且舒缓肩颈疼痛的效果真的很好 brother, lover, and also relieving neck and shoulder pain wonderfully.
我还发现他很迷人 虽然不符合我平时的口味 I also found him quite attractive and not my usual type.
他是个挺有肌肉的人 而我一般喜欢那种 He was quite a muscular chap and I normally go for somebody
没有肌肉 没有屁股 长得像颗金针菇的人 with no muscles, no bottom, just a stick and a head.
不过这个男人不只有强壮的体格 还有 This guy, not only did he have this strong body, he had this,
一张看起来很脆弱的脸 这个组合我很心宜 like, kind, vulnerable face, which is a good combination for me.
他的身体就像游泳运动员 He had, like, this swimmer's body
但是他的脸看起来 不像是个会游泳的 but the face of someone who maybe can't even swim.
他的身体好像在说“我会保护你的”而他的脸在说 His body's saying, I will heal and protect you, his face saying,
“除非我先淹死” unless I drown.
当他站在水里 在黑暗中为我按摩肩膀 And as he's massaging my shoulders, in the water, in the darkness,
我的脸能感到他呼出的气 我想 I can feel his breath on my face and I think,
这里是自由的 这里是子宫啊 there are no laws in the womb.
我可以 我可以抬起头来亲他一下 可以吧 I could, I could perhaps just lean up and kiss him, couldn't I?
不可能 即使是在这个子宫一般 梦境一般的环境里 I couldn't. Fear, even in that womb-like, dream-like space,
我也能感到恐惧 was still present.
我对感到恐惧的自己感到生气 当我把这件事告诉一个朋友 I was so annoyed at my own fear, then I told this to a friend and
他说“幸好你还知道恐惧 he said, "It's good fear was present,
不然气氛会变得很诡异的” "that would have been really odd."
所以 实际上发生的是 So what happened instead was, eventually,
他离开了池子 告诉我等我休息好了就可以去穿衣服了 he got out of the water and told me to get dressed when I was ready
而我呢 因为刚刚他治愈了我身心 and then I, because he had been healing me and taking care of me,
脱口而出 ended up saying,
“你不想再进来泡一会么” "Are you sure you don't want to get back in?"
就像个神经的中年家庭主妇 Like a crazed, middle-aged housewife.
“拜托 我丈夫很久不碰我了” Please, my husband won't touch me!
我一个人住 I live alone
这没什么 and that's fine.
只要你做好计划 计划是关键 You just have to make plans, that's the key, especially if you
特别是当你没有常规的工作时候 如果你一个人住 don't have a normal job because if you live alone and you don't
又不做计划 这就是你的一天 make plans, here is what happens,
你醒来 然后天就渐渐黑了 you wake up and it just gets darker.
几个星期以前 我发现 I caught myself a few weeks ago,
我把我的猫紧紧抱在胸前 clutching my cat to my chest,
说 saying,
“我们过得挺好的 对吧” "We're all right, aren't we?"
没有人照顾我 生活没有规律 There's no-one there taking care of me. There are no rules.
我现在看的黄片内容简直不堪入目 I'm now watching the least ethical porn and...
我也不知道这是怎么回事 I don't even know how it happened.
以前 我说过这样的话 I used to say to people, and it was true,
我对黄片的要求就是里面的演员 I can watch pornography as long as the people in it are clearly
在笑 好像他们很享受此刻 smiling and enjoying what they're doing.
现在我已经没有下限了 That is not the case anymore.
现在我基本不看什么视频 I'm now rarely watching anything
除非那里面有个人被恶作剧了 unless there is a person in it who's been tricked.
我冰箱里的所有东西都是标着“公平交易”和“有机” And everything in my fridge is fair-trade and organic,
我看的黄片完全相反 the porn is neither.
一定要有计划 Just have to make plans,
计划是关键 有了计划 that's the key, you just have to make plans,
生活就仿佛有了意义 有了向前的动力 so that life has the illusion of meaning and forward momentum
你们现在在这也是因为计划 这计划让你们今晚有事可做 and that's why you're here, so you've done something tonight.
这样明天有人问“你昨晚做了什么”的时候 Because people tomorrow will ask you, "What did you do last night?"
你就可以说“我去BBC参加了现场录制 and then you can say, "I went to a live taping at the BBC
因为我住在伦敦嘛 我有活力 我有活力” "cos I live in London. I'm alive, I'm alive."
真的吗 Are you, though?
你是不是只是在绝望地填补空白的时间 Or are you just desperately filling the time
来让自己感觉不到痛苦呢 so you don't have to feel all the pain?
呵呵 你们不该来看这个节目的 Well, you came to the wrong show.
我们都在做什么啊 What are any of us doing?
我们在做什么 What are we doing?
世上没有规则 There are no rules.
有的只是传统和那些先来的 创造了传统的人 All we have are the conventions of the people who came before us
我们没必要盲目地跟随他们 什么才是最重要的 and we can't just mindlessly follow those, so what's the priority?
我们应该做什么呢 What are we supposed to be doing here?
我觉得自我完善这个想法很好 I like the idea that there's a self-improvement going on
我时常觉得现在的自己 只是个过渡时期的人格 and I often feel like this must be some temporary personality
最终我会变成个完善的人 before I get to the good one.
我不可能一辈子都这样 Like, this can't be it for life.
比如我的声音 这就是我正常的声音 Like, this voice, this is my voice.
我现在的笑声是这样的 And I have this laugh now.
我不知道怎么变成这样的 我要为你们表演一下 I don't know when it started, but I'm going to have to act it
虽然现在是表演 但这就是我真实的笑声 for you now, but this is my actual laugh in my life.
(⊙o⊙) Haa!
要是我开心的时间长一点 都不知道该怎么办 It's like I can't even experience prolonged joy.
我记得在学校我读过《杀死一只知更鸟》 I remember reading at school the book To Kill A Mockingbird
里面有个角色为了自我完善 达到纯粹 and there was a character in it who went on this heroic journey
踏上了英雄式的旅程 她知道 of self-improvement, attaining a purity. She knew
她快要死了 她希望能在死前战胜自己对吗啡的依赖 she was dying and she wanted to give up her addiction to morphine
我当时就想 before that moment. And I remember thinking,
“这多傻啊 "What a stupid thing to do."
如果我知道自己只有两个月可活 If I knew I had two months to live,
我一定要开始用吗啡 one of the things I would take up would be morphine.
我曾经在做手术的时候用过吗啡 I have had it for an operation
感觉就像体内的五脏六腑都得到了拥抱 and it is like a hug from the inside.
感觉就像爱 但是一点麻烦事都没有 It feels like love but with none of the bother.
没人会放弃吗啡的 只会说“双倍剂量 You wouldn't give it up, you'd say, "OK, double the morphine,
把Atticus Finch给我带来”（《杀死一只知更鸟》主人公） "and bring me Atticus Finch."
而Dubose夫人的故事 我觉得 That story of Mrs Dubose, I think...
我觉得她的故事是在说 I think what that was about was about her wanting to feel
她想要感受生活的全部 而不是麻木的接受一切 all of life, rather than numbing it in any way.
去感受痛苦 去感受痛苦 The pain must be felt. The pain must be felt.
我的朋友最近对我说 我想得太多了 My friend recently told me that I think too much.
我想得太多了 好吧 问题是他 I just think too much, which is fine - except he then,
非常骄傲地对我说 very boastfully said to me,
“你知道 我什么都不想” "You know, I never think."
我说“你还是会想的 会的” 他说 And I said, "You do, you do think," and he said,
“不” "No."
我就说“你看 并不是一定要想些哲学问题 And I said, "Look, even if you don't discuss philosophy
你生活中时时刻刻都要想 才能得出结论 "every moment of your life, you'll still come to some conclusions.
比如你每天醒来下床 你为什么这么做呢” "Like when you wake up and you get out of bed, why do you do that?"
他说“我要工作啊” And he said, "I've got work."
我有点生气了就说“那 你怎么 And then I got a bit annoyed and said, "Well, why don't you
不去死呢” 这时候另一个朋友凑过来说 "just kill yourself, then?" And then my other friend leaned in and said,
“他这样挺好的 别再毁掉另一个人的生活了” "He seems quite happy, don't ruin another life."
虽然他就像过去的我一样麻木 否认现实 Now he may feel as numb as I felt in the past and be in deeper denial
他说的话确实有一些道理 but there is something in what he is saying.
我们都想得太多 感受得太少 We're all thinking too much and not feeling enough.
想 是不会为你带来快乐的 所以现在 You cannot think your way to enlightenment. And so I find myself
我在参加一个精神之旅来克服自我意识过剩 now on this spiritual journey to overcome ego,
听着挺好的 which would be great,
但这个参加这个旅程本身也是自我意识过剩 except it's such an egotistical journey to be on.
我有个朋友也在参加同样的项目 I have a friend and he's on the same journey as I am
我们之间开始了一种不言而喻的竞争 and it is clear yet unspoken that we are now in competition.
比如我说 So I will say something like,
“下个月我要去秘鲁见萨满巫师 "I'm going to Peru next month to visit the Shaman.
我们会服用一种草药 这种草药 "We'll drink this plant medicine that has been used by
是几千年来当地人用来治病的” "the indigenous people for thousands of years to heal themselves."
然后他就会说“噢 是吗 我认识那个发明了秘鲁的人” And he will say, "Oh, yeah, I know the guy who invented Peru."
他一直占上风 因为我明白了 And he is winning, but what I've realised is that
任何的竞赛都是荒谬的因为没有人能赢得任何东西 any competition is ridiculous because nobody wins this thing.
最终我们都会死 所以 We all just die, so...
出于自负而做某件事是可笑的 to do anything from a point of ego is absurd.
做这件事时感到的快乐才应该是我们的动力 Do something from just the joy of doing it in that moment.
这样的行为才是高尚的 所以我想 There's some integrity there, so what I thought was,
从现在开始 我做一切事情 if I can just do everything in my life, from now on,
都要出于纯粹的快乐不带有一点点自负 from a point of pure joy, rather than any ego,
这样我就是最棒的了 THEN I'll be the best.
同时 因为人不能通过想来获得快乐和平静 And so, because you cannot think your way to enlightenment, to peace,
也因为我当时心碎不能自愈 我试过了 and because I felt so broken and couldn't fix myself - and I tried -
我去了秘鲁 和萨满巫师一起喝了草药 I found myself in Peru, drinking this plant medicine with a Shaman.
接下来我要告诉你们的事 可能 And what I'm about to tell you will sound, perhaps,
听起来像是药物带来的幻觉 但是我保证不是那样 like a bit of a crazy drug trip, but I promise you, it isn't that.
因为我吃过魔法蘑菇（致幻剂） 我还是不吸毒的哦 I've enjoyed magic mushrooms because I don't do drugs
这是魔法 不一样的 but I will if they contain magic.
吃了魔法蘑菇 你会感觉很棒 很想傻笑 And with that, it just feels like a wonderful, giggly experience
最后你会说 and then at the end, you just go,
“我不知道发生了什么 但我度过了美好的时光” "I don't know what that was about, but I had a lovely time."
在秘鲁发生的 正好相反 This was very much the opposite.
我经历了破坏性的 可怕的事 中间还吐了 It was traumatic, horrific, there was throwing up involved
但我是清醒地接受了心理治疗 but it was focused, psychotherapeutic healing.
其实每个人都已经得到了他们需要的东西 Everyone got exactly what they needed in their lives somehow.
我和来自世界各地的11个人聚集在那 I was there with about 11 other people from around the world.
大家都有各自的问题 比如抑郁 All there for various different reasons. Depression...
主要是抑郁 it was mainly depression.
我知道我去那是因为 And it was clear I was there
在人群中我无法停止焦虑 because I couldn't be in a group of people without anxiety
我知道在台上表演时这么说很奇怪 and I know that's odd me saying that because I do this,
但是在台上表演是我唯一能和人们交流的方法 but this was the only way I could cope with talking to people.
我必须站在高处有光照着 Raised and lit.
说故事之前还要提醒你们 And the other thing to know about this story
这不是个理性的故事 is that it isn't rational.
我试着在理性世界中寻找平静 I tried to find peace in the rational world
但没有找到 and I couldn't find it.
我一直用我以为的有逻辑的，积极的方式 I'd always dealt with trauma from the past in what seemed to me
对待生活中的创伤 我总说 to be a fairly logical, positive way. I always said,
“不管过去发生了什么 都是完美的”但是秘鲁雨林中一个声音对我说 "Whatever happened, it was perfect." And then something in the rainforest
雨林是心理治疗的对话中的情景 said to me, because it acted like a psychotherapeutic conversation,
“可是其实并不完美 对吧” "It wasn't perfect, though, was it?"
接受这一点让我松了口气 And it was such a relief to accept that.
我说“是的 不完美 那么 它是怎样的呢” I said, "No, it wasn't. What was it, then?"
那个声音说“它就是它的样子” And it said, "It was what it was,"
我说“可是把它想象成完美的对我的事业有很大的帮助” and I said, "But it's been very useful for what I do in my career."
声音说“你所做的事不过是你所做的事 并不重要” And it said, "What you do is what you do, it is not a big deal."
这句话大大减轻了我的心理负担 但同时 And this was a great relief, but also
很伤自尊 very insulting.
我们一共有四个仪式 There were four ceremonies and
每次我们都围成圈坐在黑暗中 each one we sat in a circle in total darkness.
喝下草药 在第二个仪式里 我获得了重生 We drank this medicine. In the second ceremony, I was reborn.
没时间告诉你们怎么回事 反正我获得了重生 We don't have time to discuss that, but I was reborn.
在第四个仪式里 我感受到了从未有过的 In the fourth one, I found this strength I did not know
力量 甚至是在喝下草药之前 我都感到了自己的变化 I had before. Even before drinking the medicine, something was
因为我在心里默默唱起了歌 happening because I started singing in my head for some reason,
是犹太男孩在成人礼上要唱的祈祷歌曲 a prayer that a boy sings during his Bar Mitzvah where he becomes a man.
HE SINGS BAR MITZVAH PRAYER
然后 我变成了一只猫 And then I became a cat.
我左手边一个很帅的美国男生 To my left in the circle was an attractive young American who
也变成了一只猫 had also become a cat.
我听见他喵了 I heard him meowing.
接下来的仪式里我就想着他 And I started thinking about him during the ceremony,
和一些色色的事 我觉得他很迷人 sexual thoughts. I found him quite attractive
但又为自己在仪式里想这些感到羞愧 but I felt ashamed to think these thoughts during the ceremony.
感觉不对 不妥当 It felt wrong, inappropriate.
然后雨林里的声音对我说 And then something in the rainforest said to me,
“为什么觉得羞愧 "Why do you feel ashamed?
你是一只强壮 性感的猫” "You are a strong, sexy cat."
于是我转向他 And so then I turned to him,
在药物的作用下 不由自主地 beyond my own control, the medicine was in charge now, and rather than
这次我没有委婉地说“我们接吻可好”我做了这个动作 saying something meek like, maybe we should kiss, I did this motion.
然后他 可能他已经被内心的猫控制了 And then he, not his physical head, but perhaps his spirit cat energy,
总之在那个时刻 把头搁在了我的手上 我们接吻了 我傻笑起来 at that moment, landed in my palm and we kissed and then I giggled
想着“我真是做了件傻事 他会怎么想啊” cos I felt, "Oh, what a silly thing to have done, what must he think?"
我听见雨林对我说“为什么要害羞 And then the rainforest said to me, "Why do you feel embarrassed?
看 他喜欢这样” "Look, he enjoyed it."
我看过去 有个瞬间他露出了享受的样子 I looked over and I had a vision of him enjoying it,
但同时看起来相当震惊 but he also looked quite shocked.
于是我对他说“不要忧虑 So I said to him, "Do not be concerned."
这只不过是一时冲动 你仍然是个直男 继续吧” "This was just a moment between us. It is not your path. Continue."
这只是许多为了消除人群恐惧 And that was just one of countless lessons in how
的课程中的一节 to be in a group without fear.
我有了些改变 当我回到英国的时候 And something changed in me. When I got back to England,
我和朋友在乡间小道上漫步 I was wandering along a country path with some friends
有一只看门狗突然冲出来对我们狂叫 and this guard dog came out of nowhere and started barking at us.
很吓人 我朋友说“不要管它我们接着走吧” It was quite scary. My friend said, "Let's just keep walking."
以前 我会听从他的建议 I would have followed him, in the past.
但是此刻 我站在那 盯着这只狗 In this moment, I stood there, stared at this dog
直到它自己走开 until it walked away.
这狗真蠢 因为 And what a stupid dog, because...
我是只猫啊 I'm a cat.
最后一个仪式结束的时候 我仍然能感觉到 When that last ceremony ended, I could still feel
体内的药物带给我的冲动 the medicine inside of me and there were these urges.
它说“让身体去感受雨” It said, "We need to feel the rain on this body."
于是我走进了雨中 And I went into the rain.
没有穿衣服 感到很自在 I stood naked in the rain, felt comfortable in myself
人生中第一次这么自在 那声音又说“我们要跳舞” for the first time in my life and it then said, "We need to dance."
于是我带上耳机 播放Michael Jackson的音乐 And so I got my headphones and I put on some Michael Jackson.
音乐响起的时候 我突然初次注意到 As the music started, I noticed for the first time
一缕缕卷发挡着我的眼睛 these wet curls in front of my eyes.
因为淋雨让我的头发耷拉了下来 但是在当时 我觉得 Of course, mine from the rain, but in that moment, I thought,
我就是MJ I am Michael Jackson.
我不会跳舞 但在那三分钟里我失去了控制 And I cannot dance but in those three minutes I lost myself,
抛弃了自我意识 当音乐停止的时候 我发现自己是这样的 my ego, and then found myself, as the music stopped, in this position.
我学着去感受 走进雨林 而不是去想 I learnt to feel, to be in the rainforest, rather than think
去分析 我问“我们为什么在这” and analyse and I asked while I was there, what are we here for?
“什么是最重要的”“只是快乐吗” What is the priority? Is it just joy?
“除了快乐一切都看起来很可笑”“只是为了快乐吗” Everything else seems absurd. Is it just about joy?
“我们是为了快乐才在这的吗”“只是快乐吗” Are we just here for joy? Is it just joy?
然后一只满脸疲惫的大猩猩出现在我面前 说 And then a tired-looking gorilla appeared before me
“对 只是快乐” and said, "Yes, it's all joy."
后来我写下 “确实是快乐” And I later wrote down, "Joy confirmed."
现在的我一直牢记着 There is this knowledge now in me
我在这是因为我喜欢在这 不一定要笑才能快乐 that I'm here purely to enjoy being here and joy doesn't just
快乐也存在与眼泪 和各种真实的体验之中 mean laughter. There's joy in tears. There's joy in authentic experience.
但是要一边保持快乐 忠于真我 But it's difficult to stay connected to that joy, to your true self
一边看新闻是很难的 if you watch the news.
所以我不再看新闻了 因为新闻其实并不是新闻 So I've stopped doing that because it isn't even the news.
新闻告诉我们的是一天里发生的 What they give us is the worst things they can come up with that
最糟糕的事情 have happened in the world that day
并不能代表地球上到底在发生些什么 and that's not a fair representation of what's going on in our planet.
如果新闻是这样的 我大概可以看 If it was the news, I could watch it,
“喔 你好 because it would be, "Oh, hi,
你好吗 今天过得愉快吗 "How are you? Did you have a nice day?"
新闻部今天吃了烧烤 "The news team, we had a barbecue."
看看有什么值得报道的 嗯 太阳又升起来了 Let's see what we've got for you. So the sun came up again,
草还在继续长 有一些人死了 但你从没见过他们 grass continued to grow. Now, some people have died but you never met.
所以不可能感到多伤心 So you can't feel bad about that.
不伤心也没关系 为不伤心而伤心就太傻了 Don't feel bad about not feeling bad. That would be silly.
另外 所有的事情都被专家处理好了 And also, everything's being dealt with by experts.
如果你还在看的话 我们要连线 If you're still watching, we'll go
中东驻地记者了 Harold live to our Middle East correspondent, Harold.
Harold 有什么消息吗 ‘呃 一切都很荒唐’ What can you tell us? "Well, it's just ridiculous."
谢谢你 哈罗德” Thank you, Harold.
但我们不能不看新闻 对吧 But we have to watch the news, don't we?
因为万一你不看 参加晚宴的时候 Because what if you're at a dinner party
有人说 and somebody said,
“天呐 你听说那个新闻了吗” "Oh, did you hear the news?"
你就无法回答“看了” and you weren't able to say, "I know,"
然后继续吃饭 做出比先前悲伤的表情 and then carry on eating, but with sadder faces?
这样自私吗 But is it selfish?
我觉得我们都是自私的 全人类 I think we are selfish, as human beings,
我们应该接受这一点 不必有罪恶感 and we should embrace this, not feel guilty about it.
自私的意思是你接受真正的自己 What it means to be selfish is you are fully in alignment with
在这基础上 who you really are and after that,
你还可以对世界有用 you could be quite useful in the world.
这个 我是说 我正在进行的表演就是完全自私的 This, I mean, what I'm doing now is completely selfish.
我只是喜欢表演 I just like doing this.
我知道这看起来不怎么自私 因为我为 I know it doesn't seem selfish because it's brought such joy
电视带了来莫大的快乐 但是事实上 to television, but really...
我唯一需要知道的新闻是 “你好 The only news that I need is - Hello,
有人带着刀往你家去了” somebody's coming towards your specific house now with a knife.
但反正已经有人这么做过了 And somebody already came towards my house with a knife
我爸妈还把那个先生（犹太教规定男婴出生第八天必须行割礼）请进屋 所以 and my parents let that rabbi in, so...
他们甚至都不信教 And they weren't even religious, these people.
我觉得手术的地方可能也不太干净 “哦 不 I don't think the buffet was even kosher. "Oh, no,
我们不太在意的 我们只是喜欢切丁丁” "we don't care about that bit. We just loved the cock-cutting."
其实他们也不喜欢 Didn't love it, of course.
他们这么做只是因为大家都这么做 They did it cos it was the thing to do.
父母觉得 我们有了个男孩 最好从他身上切下来一小片 They thought, we've had a boy, we'd better slice off a bit
不然人们会觉得我们很奇怪的 of his penis, otherwise people might think we're weird parents.
我对此永远有异议 And I've decided I am angry about it.
这导致我在滚床单是少了点感觉 There is a loss of sensation in sex.
和我滚床单的人会说“哇 刚刚真是妙不可言” So I'm with someone and they say, "Wow, that was incredible."
嗯 是吧 我不知道 Yeah, would have been, I don't know.
为了让我自己全身心投入 我只能不停地 For me to enjoy that fully, I had to keep going into my head
想象你是Justin Bieber（为什么？！） and imagining that you were Justin Bieber.
好吧 Right.
在现实中 我不觉得Justin Bieber很有魅力 In reality, I do not find Justin Bieber attractive.
我对他没什么感觉 I'm quite indifferent to Justin Bieber
但是这种电视试图打造的偶像 but there is this fantasy being sold on television,
看起来对性无感 中性 却又性感的人 this sort of sexless, neutered yet cocky sex person,
我认为 让我的 which has meant that, I think,
愤怒和性吸引交织了起来 anger has got mixed up with sexual attraction.
所以现在我很想见见Justin Bieber So I would now like to meet Justin Bieber
这样我就可以对他做些什么 so I can do something to him,
等他再出现在电视上 so next time I see him on television,
脸上就会有种“我的人生再也回不去了”的表情 he's got a look that says, "My life has been changed for ever."
但这不是现实 But that's not the reality.
现实是 如果见到他我会说 “你好 很高兴见到你” In reality, if I'm anywhere, I'll say, "Hello, nice to meet you."
但是内心想把他狠狠推倒弄哭（到底是为什么？！） But there is something in me that wants to fuck him till he cries.
我觉得这不是我的错 I don't think it's my fault.
而且 很明显 这是个比喻 And, of course, it's a metaphor.
当我说Justin Bieber的时候 我指的当然是 When I say Justin Bieber, of course, what I mean is
主流媒体让我们的自我认识与真实自我间产生了错位！#%~& the mainstream media disconnecting us from who we really are.
因为此时 在这个时代里 Because at this point in our time,
我觉得我们应该与真正的自我紧紧相连 也就是彼此 I feel we need to be fully connected to who we are, which is each other,
自然和宇宙 或者至少与一个人建立关系 nature, the universe, or at least be in a relationship.
不然 你就会感到孤独 Otherwise, you feel alone
然后不停地吃 and you eat everything.
我发现这一点是因为最近我一个人在酒店客房里待了一会 I know this because I was in a hotel room recently, alone.
我现在有男朋友他说他可以周末来看我 I'm in a relationship now and there was a chance he could come out
但他没来 and meet me for the weekend. He didn't.
我进房间的第一件事 The first thing I do when I get to this hotel room is
是打开小冰箱 我认为自己是出于好奇才这么做的 go to the minibar, which I thought was an act of curiosity
因为我不喝酒 现在又基本素食 because I don't drink alcohol, I'm pretty much a vegan now,
所以小冰箱里没什么我能吃的 可是我以为的好奇 so there's nothing in there for me and I thought it was curiosity.
实际上是孤独 因为我开始打开 But it was clear loneliness, because I then just started opening
房间里所有的抽屉 试图 every drawer in the room hoping to find
找到一个小伙伴 a little friend somewhere.
我用客房服务叫了份沙拉 I order a salad from room service.
我之所以成为素食主义者 是因为去年 The reason I became a vegan, by the way, is because last year
我爱上每天睡前吃一个巧克力蛋糕 I became addicted to eating a chocolate cake every night.
然后 And...
我需要一个标签来停止这种恶习 I needed a label to stop that from happening.
有时候标签是很重要的 Sometimes you need a label.
比如在派对上不喝酒的唯一方法就是 Like the only way to not drink alcohol at a party is to be
说自己是酗酒康复者 这样的话人们会说“要不要喝一杯” a recovering alcoholic, cos people say, "Do you want a drink?"
“我是酗酒康复者”“好吧”不然的话 "I'm a recovering alcoholic." "Fair enough." Otherwise it's,
“要不要喝一杯”“不用 谢谢” "Do you want a drink?" "No, thank you."
“快喝一杯” "Have a drink!"
好像这些人的人生目标就是把每个人 It's like these people, their only aim is to turn everyone into
都变成酗酒者 面对已经酗酒的人就觉得“恩 你的改造已经完成了” an alcoholic and if they meet one they think, "Oh, you're done, fine."
做素食者是很难的 It's very difficult to be a vegan,
尤其是你同时还想寻找快乐 especially if you're into the idea of joy.
你 You...
这么说吧 你绝对不能看Nigella的 You see, I mean, you certainly must never watch a Nigella
烹饪节目 因为她毫无原则 而我们需要原则 cookery programme, because she has no rules, and we need rules.
“喔 一般我不会放双份奶油的 Oh, I wouldn't normally use double cream
但是今天是星期二嘛” but it is Tuesday.
“当然我们一般不会吃整只羊但是今天下雨啊” Of course we wouldn't normally eat the whole goat but it is raining.
“一般我不会大半夜偷偷地 I wouldn't normally go to the fridge in the middle of the night
在电视放演员表的时候去冰箱里拿蛋糕吃 secretly at the end of every programme while the credits roll
但毕竟我有饮食障碍嘛” for more cake but I've clearly got an eating disorder.
我吃着沙拉看着电影 觉得很满足 I eat my salad whilst watching a film and I'm fairly content.
我觉得可能电影院卖爆米花的原因 I think the reason maybe they started giving us
就是因为这样可以让所有感官得到满足 popcorn in cinemas so that all senses are then stimulated,
不只是视觉听觉 再加上味觉 触觉和嗅觉 所有感官都得到了刺激 not just sight and sound but taste, touch, smell, all senses stimulated.
一直以来我们被鼓励着 去使感官麻木 We've been encouraged, over time, to numb our feelings.
不用去感受 买瓶酒吧 No need for feelings, buy this alcohol,
你就不会焦虑了 you won't have to feel anxious.
买盒冰激凌吧 你就不会再悲伤 Buy this ice cream, you won't have to feel sad.
但我觉得 作为人 我们应该去感受 But I think we need to feel, as human beings.
也许应该有个广告这么说“嘿 Perhaps there should be an advert that says, "Hey,
为什么不哭一会 "why don't you have a little cry?"
你做得很好 你很美 "You're doing so well, you're so beautiful,
你不需要外在的东西 "you don't need anything external.
你的力量之源就是爱” "The source of you is pure love."
感觉没人会买我的创意 I don't know who would pay for that advert.
但我觉得那比现在的很多广告要好 But I think it will be preferable to the advert
今年我看到Galaxy巧克力棒的广告 I saw this year for Galaxy chocolate bars,
在鼓励人们偷偷地吃它 where they were trying to encourage people to eat it secretly.
广告收尾语是 The tag line on this advert was,
“想要藏的东西 就是Galaxy” "Think hiding it. Think Galaxy."
这是暴食症啊 That's bulimia!
我很想要相信设计广告的人没想到这一点 And I want to believe they just didn't know that,
但是同时我不由地感到 but there's something in me that feels there may have been
他们应该是开了个会 有人说 a meeting where somebody said,
“那么 谁吃巧克力最多呢” "Now, who eats a lot of chocolate?"
Galaxy 藏起来 吃掉它 Galaxy. Hide it, eat it,
吐出来 再去买 throw it up, buy some more.
很快我吃完了沙拉 但电影还没有结束 All too soon, I finished the salad, but the film continues
只剩视觉和听觉刺激对我来说就不够了 and that isn't enough for me, just sight and sound.
所以我瞧见他们额外给我的面包 So I see the bread that they've brought up, which I didn't order.
我不吃面包 为什么要吃面包 I don't eat bread, cos why would you eat bread?
万一哪天我想做个好爸爸呢 At some point I might want to be a good father.
但是因为我独自一人 面包就在旁边 But because I'm alone and it's there.
因为我独自一人 面包就在旁边 我开始往面包上 Because I'm alone and it's there, I start spreading butter
抹黄油 我吃了所有的面包 打破了我所有的原则 on the bread, I'm eating all the bread, breaking all my rules
然后满脑子都是小冰箱里的巧克力 and I now can't stop thinking about the chocolate in the minibar.
我想了足足半小时 我觉得 I can't stop thinking about it for half an hour. I think the only way
能让我停止想它的唯一办法是把它弄出房间 to stop thinking about it is to get it out of the room.
弄出房间 Just get it out the room.
把它弄出房间的唯一办法是把它吃了 And the only way I could do that was to put it into my mouth.
这就是为什么我的男朋友应该在那个周末去陪我 And that's why he had to be there on that holiday with me.
我给他发了条短信 大意是 I'm texting things like,
“要是你在这就好了” "It would be lovely if you came for the weekend!
但这不是我想说的 我真正想说的是 That's not what I mean. what I mean is,
“快娶我 情况很紧急” "Marry me, it's an emergency."
作为人 我们应该去感受 不然我们就会一直吞噬 We need to feel, as human beings, otherwise we will just consume
吞噬 直到周围什么都不剩 and consume until there is nothing left.
为什么我们几乎毁了地球 Why did we almost destroy the Earth?
因为我们很孤独 而地球就在那 但我们并不孤独 Because we felt alone and it was there, but we're not alone.
我们与彼此紧密相连 与自然紧密相连 We're so profoundly connected to each other, to nature.
上周我吃了一个苹果 Last week I ate an apple.
你们懂我的意思吗 Do you know what I mean?
谢谢你们听我说话 晚安 Thank you for listening, good night.
CHEERING
MUSIC: "The Inner Light" by The Beatles
♪ Without going out of my door
♪ I can know all things on Earth
♪ Without looking out of my window
♪ I can know the ways of heaven
♪ The farther one travels
♪ The less one knows
♪ The less one really knows... ♪
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 翻译 TR33